tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29763791.post2398631285621021061..comments2023-10-31T05:07:19.353-04:00Comments on Delenda est Carthago: Does Family Background Matter?Dr. Φhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14086783503820477029noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29763791.post-51602782586772539952010-10-21T02:45:55.177-04:002010-10-21T02:45:55.177-04:00Trumwill: You have a good handle on the way the r...Trumwill: You have a good handle on the way the relationship dynamics usually play out. "Either leave or drive the other person away."<br /><br />You also make a good point about the importance of having similar levels of (for want of a better word) dysfunction. I'm reminded of the Apostle Paul's warning against being <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+6:14&version=ESV" rel="nofollow">"unequally yoked"</a>. Something like that applies here.<br /><br />It takes a lot of integrity to break off a bad courtship, and I say that as someone who never really mustered it. I had any number of reservations about the kinda-sorta-almost romantic relationship before Mrs. Φ, but I kept plugging away hoping that it could be made to work. My reaction when she broke it off was mainly, <i>thank God that's over</i>, which kind of proves that I should have been more proactive myself.Dr. Φhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14086783503820477029noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29763791.post-29889024729603304312010-10-20T23:04:00.124-04:002010-10-20T23:04:00.124-04:00Number two.
Your minimal criteria sounds familiar...Number two.<br /><br />Your minimal criteria sounds familiar as I had something similar to it. The thing is, though, that I don't think you were ever in serious danger of finding a damaged person that fit those two bullet-points. <br /><br />Once you catch the bus, you have to ride it. And if you're not actually compatible on some level, it's a bad ride. You meet a dysfunctional girl and date her, it won't take long at all before she is uncomfortable because she's always being judged (whether you say anything to her or not, it'll come out) and you are uncomfortable with her irresponsibility. You might end it or she might, but it would end (if it ever began, which despite the mutual attraction, it might not). <br /><br />There's some give-and-take when it comes to how functional/dysfunctional someone is, but you run into walls when you are too far apart. It gets in the way of being able to relate to one another. It causes a drip-drip-drip of problems that come to a head one way or another. Those of us that don't like the thrill of misery either leave situations that make us unhappy or we try to make it better in a way that just makes it worse because "better" for you is not "better" for them.<br /><br />I have some experience in this area and I've watched it unfold. Doesn't matter which party is the responsible one and which one is the wreck. I've seen it both ways. The only time I've seen it endure is when both parties, for one reason or another, don't want happiness or aren't ready for their happy ending yet. When they become ready, they either leave or drive the other person away.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29763791.post-68385129680810823642010-10-20T23:03:27.047-04:002010-10-20T23:03:27.047-04:00There is so much to touch on here the hard part is...There is so much to touch on here the hard part is figuring out which part to comment on. I'll pick two.<br /><br />Number one.<br /><br />The fact that you felt weirded by her at the outset is probably as good a sign as any. There are circumstances that people don't have an appropriate sense of public decorum but are otherwise normal people (the dentist probably falls in this category). There are circumstances where people come from broken pasts and go on to become great people. There may even be people to whom both applies. But your instincts were probably telling you that she was not one of those people.<br /><br />I do know some people that have overcome quite a bit of family drudge. In one way my wife is such a person. But these things are definitely reasons to be on the lookout. Things to be conscientious of. Not dealbreakers, but very significant. I wish I had appreciated the significance of this sort of thing earlier on than I did.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29763791.post-52686758064972297702010-10-20T21:56:27.462-04:002010-10-20T21:56:27.462-04:00In a fit of self-awareness, she quits the adultery...<i>In a fit of self-awareness, she quits the adultery and resolves to turn her life around. It’s easy to see her gracing her romantic attention on a “nice guy”/beta under these circumstances. But does her resolution mean that she becomes a good LTR bet for the beta?</i><br /><br />This... is a very good point. One I've kind of touched on and have a post coming up on next week. More thoughts to come on the rest of it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29763791.post-50901272515905197042010-10-20T19:55:21.090-04:002010-10-20T19:55:21.090-04:00Justin: the dentist himself was there, so it woul...Justin: the dentist himself was there, so it would not surprise me if he took her aside later and said, ya' know, telling the patients about your dad might make them a wee bit uncomfortable.<br /><br />Hale: I think all medical technicians are encouraged to do this. I remember the cute female optometry staff used to chat me up back in undergrad, which was great until I realized what the game was. After that it began to feel a little . . . manipulative.Dr. Φhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14086783503820477029noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29763791.post-75312911776578649162010-10-20T09:27:33.059-04:002010-10-20T09:27:33.059-04:00I have always thought it odd that dental workers t...I have always thought it odd that dental workers try to converse with you when the central focus of your being there is to have your mouth full of their hands and dental tools. They shouldn't be asking you anything that doesn't require a grunt for an answer.<br /><br />A few years ago, the dental staff spent so much time talking to each other about their weekend plans that they forgot to match the patient (me) with the patient records and I got a filling I didn't need.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29763791.post-55171590325499954432010-10-20T03:38:18.722-04:002010-10-20T03:38:18.722-04:00dear lord, what a effing nutjob. You really shou...dear lord, what a effing nutjob. You really should get her fired. Just tell her boss that her demeanor and conversation made you very uncomfortable and you really can't see yourself coming back to that office with her there. Even if he doesn't fire her, he may at least get her to STFU, I mean, ahem, give her some valuable social feedback.Justinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01023125641719686613noreply@blogger.com