Sunday, March 13, 2011

Movie Potpourri IV: Recycle Bin Edition

Movies I hated:

Basic Instinct 2:  If you want to see Sharon Stone at the top of her game, watch the original.  Nothing about this sequel held my attention.  The plot (assuming there was one) was too complex for me to follow.  I couldn’t bring myself to care about the characters or their fates.  And the sex . . . was there sex?  Maybe I’m just getting old, but I couldn’t be bothered to finish.

Legend of the Guardians:  What could be cooler than animated owls, right?  Unfortunately, the writers’ creativity pretty much ground to a halt after "animated owls!”  I didn’t finish this one either.

The Virginity Hit:  Shaky-cam faux home movie about a couple of high school students who decide to lose their virginity to each other.  When he finds out she cheated, he and his friends contrive to embarrass the young woman in some gross fashion I couldn’t stomach to watch long enough to learn.

A Complete History of My Sexual Failures: Looserish fellow sets out to document why his romantic relationships end badly (not explaining how fortunate he was to have had romantic relationships).  He spends the first half of the movie being told by ex-girlfriends what a creep he is for even asking the question.  I didn’t watch the second half.

Zombie Strippers:  Some things, like socialism, work better in theory than in practice.  Didn’t finish.

The Last Airbender:  I had read in any number of places that M. Night’s powers were fading, but I hadn’t quite believed it until this dog of a fantasy film.

Salt:  Okay, this wasn’t a half-bad action movie (except for the shamelessly patched-up ending), but the increasingly Matrix-level stunts conducted in complete earnestness strained my credulity past the breaking point.  And sure, the action in Knight and Day wasn’t realistic either; the difference was that K&D didn’t take itself seriously.

Body of Lies:  This movie about counter-terrorism covert operations was ruined by the filmmakers reach for moral ambiguity.  Bull.  The protagonist  braves great personal danger to catch a murderous Muslim thug, and good for him.  The fact that his boss is incompetent even by CIA standards (in contrast to the “good Muslim” chief of Jordanian intelligence) is a thin reed on which to hang his resignation.

Red, Skyline:  I can’t think of a single interesting thing to say about these two.  They are neither especially good nor especially bad.

5 comments:

Default User said...

Maybe I’m just getting old, but I couldn’t be bothered to finish.

I am sure there is a bad-taste joke for the taking there, but I will pass on the opportunity.

Φ said...

DU: In my defense, that only occurred to me after I wrote it.

Default User said...

I watched Salt. It would have been bearable with a male in the lead role. A female in the lead role (even seeking to protecting her husband at one point) made it even more painful than should have been.

Most disturbing is that seem to have left the way open for a sequel.

Φ said...

DU: A male in the lead role might have made the movie slightly more credible given the feats of strength and speed he would have performed. But the fail would have been at the point (** SPOILER ALERT **) that the male Salt watches his wife drown to prove his continued loyalty to the conspiracy. Audiences might forgive a woman for doing this for the greater good, what with the female sentencing discount and all, but we would never forgive a man for it.

Default User said...

Audiences might forgive a woman for doing this for the greater good, what with the female sentencing discount and all, but we would never forgive a man for it.

That is a good point, one that I had overlooked in my annoyance with the tired dominant, aggressive, butt-kicking female theme. That an audience might forgive such female callousness (where it would not forgive a male) is interesting. It seems that even alpha guys can't catch a break.