Monday, January 16, 2012

Putin’s Eulogy for Kim Jong Il

Spotted on Facebook:

Friends, comrades...we are here today to mourn the loss of the Dear Leader.  Nature celebrated his birth with a double rainbow and a new star, and today it even mourns the loss of the Generalissimo with a glowing mountain tribute.

The Jonger accomplished many things in order to satisfy his people.  He was a ferocious cinephile.  He believed in the power of the silver screen so much that he "persuaded" foreign filmmakers to come to Best Korea and create such inspirational films as "Sea of Blood" and "Team

When Kim's people were facing one of the most horrific famines in Best Korean history-brought on by those American imperialist pig-dogs-the Dear Leader took it upon himself to invent the most delicious culinary concoction he brilliantly dubbed "double bread with meat."  This of course was stolen by those Golden Arch-Enemy capitalist thugs.

Sometimes people ask me "Hey, Putin, what was Kim like---I mean really like?" Well that's a tough question. I mean, how does one explain the brightness of the sun, the feeling of a warm summer wind on their skin or the look of wonder in the eyes of a young child? Words are such clumsy, imprecise tools. So when asked what Kim (or K-Jong as I affectionately called him) was really like, I like to tell people a little story. Back in that magical summer of 1996, I was spending some time in most excellent Best Korea interning as a film student under the tutelage of Master Il. One day, after many long hours of extreme mental and physical exertion, we were strolling back from the film site through one of those windy and ancient country roads just brimming with joyous plants and wildlife, of the type you only find in Best Korea. There were a couple clouds blocking out the sun, save for a little crack that allowed a few strands of golden light to stream through. Kim pointed up at the sky and said to me "Look, Pooty (as he sometimes called me), and look well, for we are looking at the very hand of God, my father, Kim Il Sung--the eternal president! May He love my country as I love it." I looked and then I looked at him. His lips were trembling and I saw a single tear roll down his cheek. They say that Kim Jong-Il was too strong to ever cry, but on that day I realized he was too strong not to cry, for the joy and love he held in his heart for Best Korea was immeasurable. May he live on in his accomplishments and the hearts of his people. May they sing songs of his fabled deeds until the end of time!

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