Boo Celebration

Phone:  [Rrrrrrrrrrrring!]

Φ:  “Hello?”

CCL [recorded voice]:  “Hello!  We want to invite you to take part in a brief survey.  In consideration for your participation, you will be offered a chance to receive a free vacation package to the Bahamas!  Press 1 to continue to the survey.”

Φ:  [presses one]

[Pointless 4 question survey about Obama and taxes follows.]

CCL [recorded voice]:  “To thank you for participating in our survey, Celebration Cruise Line would like to offer you a 2-night cruise to the Bahamas.”

Doug:  Hello!  “This is Doug Brevich.  Are you excited about your free trip to the Bahamas?”

Φ:  “That depends on how free it is.”

Doug:  “Okay, the package is an overnight cruise from Palm Beach to the Bahamas.  You’ll spend the day in the Bahamas and then take an overnight trip back.  You and your partner will be billeted in an ‘interior state room’.  All food, entertainment, facilities, coffee and tea are included.  You’ll only be responsible for the port taxes of $59 per person and any other drink you might consume while aboard.”

Φ:  “When is the cruise?”

Doug:  “You can book the cruise anytime during the next 18 months, excluding major holidays, although we do as for two weeks notice.

Φ:  “When do I have to pay?”

Doug:  “If you accept this offer today, we will charge your credit card $118 for the two of you.”

Φ:  “$118.  That’s it.  That covers everything.”

Doug:  “Yes it does!”

Φ:  “Let me consult with my wife.”*

[Brief consultation]

Φ:  “Okay, we’ll take it.”

Doug:  “Great!  Let me get your information.”

[Information passed.]

Doug:  “Great!  Now let me review your options for travel to Palm Beach . . . .”

Φ:  “Thanks, but we’ll arrange our own travel.”

Doug:  “How will you get here?”

Φ:  “Probably fly into Florida, and drive in from another city.  Maybe we’ll drive.  I don’t know yet.”

Doug:  “I see you live in Flyover Country.  That’s a long way to drive!”

Φ:  [?]

Φ:  “Yes, but we have friends and family that live along the way.  It usually works out.”

Doug:  “Will you rent a car?”

Φ:  “Probably not.  We have family in Florida and will probably borrow a car from them.  But either way, we’ll figure it out on our own.”

Doug:  “Now we’d like to offer you our Extended Stay package for only an addition $599!”

Φ:  “No, thanks.  The cruise will be fine for today.”

Doug:  “Really?  You don’t want to have [lengthy description of the Extended Stay package].

Φ:  “I’m really not interested.  But if I change my mind later, can I sign up.”

Doug:  “Good question.  I’m not sure.  Let me transfer you to someone who might be able to help.”

[On hold for a while.]

Samantha:  “Hello!  I’m Samantha!  Are you excited about your cruise to the Bahamas.”

Φ:  “I’m working on it.”

Samantha:  “Great!  So, I understand you want to decline our Extended Stay package?”

Φ:  “Well, where I left off with Doug was, I wanted to know if I could add the extended stay package later.”

Samantha:  [Silence.]

Φ:  “Hello?”

Phone:  [Dial tone].

[Twenty minutes later.]

Phone:  [Rrrrrrrrrrrrring!]

Φ:  “Hello?”

Doug:  “Hello!  Did you get an answer to your question?”

Φ:  “No, we were disconnected.”

Doug:  “Yeah, that happens on our system sometimes.  I’m going to transfer you to our telephone receipt specialist who might be able to help you.  Stand by.”

[On hold for a while.]

Dominique:  “Hi, I’m Dominique!”

Φ:  [Oh, sh!t.]

Dominique:  “Are you excited about your cruise to the Bahamas?”

Φ:  “I’ll be excited when I actually book it.”

Dominique:  “So, I understand you want to decline our Extended Stay package?”

Φ:  “Well, where I left off was, can I add the package later on?

Dominique:  “You can, but then you would have to pay the full retail price of $2200.”

Φ:  “In that case, no.”

Dominique:  “Why?

Φ:  “Because I came prepared to buy a $118 2-night cruise, not a $599 extended stay anywhere.”

Dominique:  “But why would you want to come all this way and not stay longer?”

Φ:  “We will stay longer, but not in a hotel.  We have family in Florida.”

Dominique:  “Where do they live?”

Φ:  “Across the peninsula.”

Dominique:  “That’s not close!”

Φ:  “No, it’s not.  But it’s close enough to drive in the evening of our departure and drive out the morning of our return.  But, we will work these details on our own.”

Dominique:  “But I don’t understand why you would come all this way and not stay in Palm Beach!?!”

Φ:  [? ?]

Φ:  “I don’t have any ambition to stay in Palm Beach.  I have the ambition to take $118 2-night cruise.”

Dominique:  “But why would you do that!”

Φ:  “Because . . . look, Dominique, it’s for the reasons I’ve already given.  But none of that is relevant to our transaction today.”

Dominique:  “Well, why don’t we just forget the whole thing.”

Φ:  “So . . . basically, what you’re telling me after an hour or so of telephone conversations is that the whole thing was always a bait and switch.  The $118 offer was only a teaser to talk me into buying a $717 package.”

Dominique:  “No, it’s that you want to talk down to me or act like I’m not equal to you.”

Φ:  [! ? !]

Φ:  “Dominique, I’m not making any statements about you personally one way or the other.  What I am saying is that nothing about you selling me a $118 2-night cruise requires you to understand my motivations.”

Dominique:  “Well, maybe you don’t really want the cruise.”

Φ:  “Look, you people called me.  Are we going to do this or not?”

Dominique:  “Okay, fine!  I’m going to put you on hold for a moment.”

[On hold for a moment.**]

Dominique:  “Hello, this is Dominique.  This conversation is being recorded for quality control purposes.  We will proceed to completing your purchase of [description of cruise].  In addition to the $118 port taxes, you may be charged fuel and gratuity surcharges . . . .”

Φ:  Hang on a second.  When I spoke to Doug Brevich, he assured me that the $118 covered everything.  He didn’t say anything about fuel and gratuity surcharges.

Dominique:  “Well, if you’ll let me finish, I’ll explain!”

Φ:  [sigh]  “Go ahead.”

Dominique:  “Celebration Cruise Lines will apply a $12 surcharge per person per day only if oil is selling for over $40 / barrel on the day of the cruise.”

Φ:  “Okay, what about the gratuity?”

Dominique:  “What about it?”

Φ:  “Well, when does it apply?  When I order something like room service?”

Dominique:  “It’s whenever you tip someone.”

Φ:  [Thinking for a moment]  You know, Dominique.  I’m getting a bad feeling about this.  And considering that oil is presently trading well above $100 per barrel, this isn’t shaping up to be the deal I thought it was.

Dominique:  “Goodbye then.”  [Click]

* This is an abbreviated version of the conversation to this point.  In reality, it took 20 minutes to cover all my questions.

** In fact, I was put on hold at least twice, once without any warning.

Up in the Air

I watched last year’s movie Up in the Air on DVD.  I don’t have much to say about it’s major themes other than it was a good movie and deserved an Oscar nomination a heck of a lot more Avatar did, not that that’s saying much.

I did want to mention two things:

• I’ve been through a few airports this year.  Not, of course, as many as George Clooney’s character saw in a typical week.  But Clooney’s (or any other character’s) airport experience as portrayed in the movie was unrecognizable to me.  Every major airport through which I traveled – Dulles, Heathrow, Honolulu, Frankfurt – was a nightmare of chaos.  (Frankfurt was a standout in this regard.  It looks like dystopian sh!thole and was the only airport in which I felt physically unsafe.)  The only airports that offered anything like a positive experience was Keflavik and Φ’s middling city’s airport in flyover country.

  Yet we repeatedly see Clooney walking straight up to a automated kiosk, swiping a single card, pushing one button, and getting his boarding pass!  And the “non-preferred” line is only eight people deep?  What planet is this?

• George Clooney (age 49) travels with Anna Kendrick (age 25), who has the voice and body language of a teenager.  This may not be an act considering she plays a teenager in this year’s Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.  Their relative age difference is a sub-theme of the movie, as you might expect.  But Clooney embarks on an affair with Vera Farmiga, a woman presented in context as having maturity comparable to Clooney.  Yet Farmiga is only 37, and clearly younger than Clooney.  (We see Farmiga naked from behind.  We also see Clooney’s bare chest in the same scene.  Clooney is in very good shape for his age, but those dozen years make a difference.)

  I think we are so used to seeing actresses underplaying their ages so much that we forget how wet-behind-the-ears 25 actually is.

• A couple of times, Clooney is shown swimming laps in hotel pools. I was struck by how seldom movies show people exercising. There are exceptions, of course. A movie about a competitive athlete will show the training regimen (think Rocky). A movie might show a fat person exercising for the comic incongruity. But generally, we don't see it. Consider, for a moment, the Lt. Daniels character in The Wire. Nobody looks as good as Lance Reddick does without spending a couple of hours a day working out, but while The Wire gave him a few shirtless shots for eye-candy, never once did it show him, say, lifting weights.

  My impression is that in reality most upper-middle-class men engage in some kind of exercise, but the only TV show I can think of that portrays exercise as a regular part of the characters' lives is Men of a Certain Age, where the three principal characters hike together almost every episode.